Growth Is Not Linear

UGH!
Why is marriage so hard?
Why is life so hard –
Look at my attributes
that an advertiser
would love to target on social media
(that is, if I were on social media these days)
   female(-ish)
   income > $150,000
   master’s degree
   homeowner
   white
   married
   mother of 3
   proud member of her Jewish community
   gives back to her kids’ school

By all quantitative accounts
by any “measure of success”
or “key result”
I am “successful” and
life should feel “easy”
   at least you have a lovely home
   at least you like your job
      and get paid well to do it
   at least you were able
      to get pregnant 3 times
   at least you don’t live in a warzone

the “at leasts” stretch for eternity
But right now
(and maybe forever?)
I want to wallow in the
”but this is fucking hard”
I want to stop holding my sense of self
my view of my life
up to anyone else’s perception

And what about “health metrics”?
What about those things where
if things really go off the rails
we’ll be able to catch it?
How do I know
if a dip in my life metrics
means that things are off-course?
or just a blip –
that on the geologic time horizon of a life
it is a microfraction of a millisecond?

I guess that is why they say
to track metrics over time.
But growth is not linear.
It’s not a chart
moving up-and-to-the-right
Progress feels like saying to my husband:
“I can’t continue with this conversation
can you please leave the room”
Because that is better
than my body completely shutting down

How is it that progress
feels like a shutting door
Praying that on the other side of this
We will find
   better communication
   better understanding
   doors opening that we could never anticipate

I see the closed door
And feel the seed of hope
Inside of me
Yearning for this to be the start
of a window opening
A space for
   authenticity
   connection
   finding a balance between
      being a unit and
      being an individual

I know we like the house to be kept at different temperatures
Sometimes you want a window open before it feels warm enough outside for me
I’m ok with closed doors
and open windows
or open doors and closed windows

All I want
is to continue
opening and closing
in the same house
with you.