Growth Is Not Linear

UGH!
Why is marriage so hard?
Why is life so hard –
Look at my attributes
that an advertiser would love to target on social media
(that is, if I were on social media these days):
female(-ish)
income > $150,000
master’s degree
homeowner
white
married
mother of 3
proud member of her Jewish community
gives back to her kids’ school
By all quantitative accounts
by any “measure of success”
or “key result”
I am “successful” and
life should feel “easy” at least you have a lovely home at least you like your job and get paid well to do it at least you were able to get pregnant 3 times at least you don’t live in a warzone
the “at leasts” stretch for eternity
But right now (and maybe forever?) I want to wallow
in the “but this is fucking hard”
and stop holding my sense of self
my view of my life
up to anyone else’s perception

And what about “health metrics”?
What about those things where
if things really go off the rails
we’ll be able to catch it?
How do I know
if a dip in my life metrics
means that things are off-course?
or just a blip –
that on the geologic time horizon of a life
it is a microfraction of a millisecond?
I guess that is why they say
to track metrics over time.
But growth is not linear.
It’s not a chart moving up-and-to-the-right
Progress feels like saying to my husband
”I can’t continue with this conversation, can you please leave the room”
Because that is better than my body completely shutting down
How is it that progress feels like a shutting door
Praying that on the other side of this
We will find
better communication
better understanding
doors opening that we could never anticipate right now
I see the closed door
And feel the seed of hope
Inside of me
Yearning for this to be the start
of a window opening
A space for
authenticity
connection
finding a balance between
being a unit and
being an individual
I know we like the house to be kept at different temperatures
Sometimes you want a window open before it feels warm enough outside for me
I’m ok with closed doors
and open windows
or open doors and closed windows
All I want is to continue opening and closing in the same house with you.