impatient

Impatient —
My brain, always several steps ahead
or so it likes to think.
It wants to speed up,
fast-forward to the good part of the movie
past the scary bits
past the pain, the grief, the hurt
past the learning as a verb
Straight to the lessons
directly to the “resolution,”
to knowing how it all works out.
Except the body knows best.
It knows that it can only metabolize
at whatever rate it metabolizes.
Reading about exercise
isn’t the same as working out
My body knows that learning
and growth and healing
happen on a timeframe all their own
my cells don’t care that Spotify has a feature
to skip ahead to the next track
Recovery doesn’t give a shit that you
can pay $13.99 a month
to get YouTube without the ads
It turns out my life is not
something that’s being optimized
by some product manager looking at metrics.
It turns out my Being
is following the rhythms of Life.

I believed for way too long
that I could think my way out of anything.

I feel gratitude to have found my way
to a life
   surrounded by others
that reminds me that I am
a Human Being
that I am made of cells
   (not just brain cells)
That I have a body and that my body
carries so much wisdom
Insight I’ve just begun
to scratch the surface of
Finally
   FINALLY!
I am listening.
(at least trying to, most of the time)