breath

I hear your deep breathing,
I sense the example that I have modeled:
taking deep breaths
when I feel dysregulated

I’m not doing it for show
I’m not doing it
to “be a good parent”
I’m doing it to remind myself
to stay present in my body
to separate your emotions
your whiny tone
from my own

I am the adult here
and no matter how big your brain is
you are still a child
it is my duty to teach you
how to be human in this world
so that someday you can
survive without me

Perhaps when your own child whines
you’ll take a deep breath,
feel a smidge calmer
and not know why

I’ve tried so hard to give you this gift
(whether you see it that way,
only time will tell):

A transformation of the tense muscles
and raised voice,
the heritage I was given
to belly breaths
exhale
 l
  o
   n
    g
     e
      r
than the inhale
Eyes closed, dimming the overwhelm
around me.

(I don’t catch myself all the time,
though I feel myself getting better)

I am working so hard to convert
the insecure/anxious attachment
bequeathed to me
to a secure knowing of being held
while also being free to be you

I don’t know if I’ll “succeed”
but one thing I know
(hope?)
is that years from now
if
(when?)
you come to me
with all the ways that I failed to be
the parent you needed
I hope to listen
lower my defenses
take a deep breath
close my eyes,
center myself
center you