goal intake

When I started at treatment
they asked me at intake
(and many times after)
“What is your goal
for your time here?”

I remember thinking
that the question itself was
preposterous
For so long I was in a
darkness
from which I could not
see my way out

How could I possibly have a goal
when the depression blanketed
everything?

I remember my response:
“I want to live
in the present moment”
Hoping that someday I would
make my way there
(or, rather, here)

I had no idea where I was going
clumsily feeling around
trying not to trip over anything
(I tripped many times)

All of a sudden, today
I realized that I’m mostly in
the here and now
My senses activated and alive
Finding joy in small corners
   a little strawberry poking up
   a toddler cuddle on a bed of clover
   a song I haven’t heard in years
   that perfectly fits the scene

That loud, ruminating voice
that overpowered me
Has quieted.

Of all years
I’m grateful that this one
brings with it a double reminder
of looking for joy
I embrace the invitation to 
seek pleasure
I follow the “yes” in my body
Its presence all the more welcome
after sooo much
   no
      no
         no
            no
               no
                  no
                     NO

my PTSD brain pushes through
the terrifying thought
of living life from
a place of vulnerability

I let go of knowing what the future holds
and open my heart wide
to whatever there is and will be.